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Why I Don’t Use WebMD

July 13, 2011

So, today I woke up with tongue cancer*.

I couldn’t eat anything all day because everything I put in my mouth hurt, including water and popsicles, so I was a ravenous beast when my husband arrived home from work.

Tristan:  (after several minutes of me whining about my tongue cancer) OK, seriously, what is wrong with you?

Me: Tongue cancer (with eyeroll, as he clearly was not paying attention to me).

Tristan: *sigh*  Have you WebMD’d it?**

Me: No, because it will tell me I have something WORSE than tongue cancer, and how do you get worse than tongue cancer?

He feverishly poked my details into WebMD and asked me a bunch of stupid questions about white pustules and other things too disgusting to mention before he finally got the results.

Tristan:   Well, it says you either have an allergic reaction, a minor burn… or syphilis.

Me: SYPHILIS!?!  Well, now I know what is worse than tongue cancer.

So, if I start posting utter nonsense, it will be my syphilis talking.

*possibly not actually true.

** My husband is an even bigger hypochondriac than I am, so he loves the shit out of WebMD.

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